Monday, December 17, 2012

You've Been Gone

photo by Andy Magee

You were gone
a long time.
I waited while
the mist settled
around me
like cold comfort.
I sat until my
heart was stone.

Tired from your
journey, you
looked at me,
looked at me,
looked at me.

and I felt the
summer sun
burn the mist
away.

and I looked up
from my patched
and warmed-over life,
and said welcome back.

and I turned to
go inside the house
to dry off.


This is a Magpie Tale.

Note: I kind of liked the first two stanzas & then I started thinking what kind of wimp just sits there mooning over some guy? So now I'm all discontented about the whole thing. How would YOU end it?

20 comments:

  1. I would eliminate the stanza beginning "and I felt". In the next stanza I would delete "welcome back" and substitute "go to Hell" followed by the last stanza.

    A couple of facts: 1) I am not a poet; and 2) I am quite a cynic today. And I love your poetry.

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  2. Ha. I have no idea. My brain doesn't work that way.

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  3. leave it as the first stanza....so atmospheric...great!!!

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  4. I like it Caroline - excellent suggestion :)

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  5. Poetry is such a personal statement that I just wouldn't feel right telling someone how to conclude one.

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  6. i guess the same way that ABBA ended it - i was sick and tired of everything/when i saw you come back from Tesco

    I think the line might actually be "called you last night from Glasgow", but i prefer the above

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  7. or Gloria Gaynor's way

    Soooooooo now you're back, from outer space....

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  8. ...or leave it with the strike throughs to show the speaker's ambivalence.

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  9. I like the poem with the lines drawn through the words. It gives the feeling of the speaker changing her mind when the person returns.

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  10. dang....i like...the repetition before the scratch out lines is awesome...and the scratch out line....excellent....felt piece....

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  11. I am with Gerry....that first stanza holds strong all on its own! :-)

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  12. I'd end it with the first strike-through. A perfect poem.

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  13. To end it sweetly...use the first strike through stanza....to end it with an edge....close the door and leave him standing there....alone.

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  14. I'm so ambivalent! Loved it, anyway. Actually, I rather liked it with the crossed-out showing too.

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  15. I think I agree with Ellen, mine doesn't work that way, either, but I think you were on to a good idea here.

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  16. I am NO poet so will not contribute a new ending BUT...I love the idea of mooning over a guy! I like it A LOT.

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  17. Wish I could help. I'm lousy at this.

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  18. I love as is.

    The scratched out stanza's add dimension and leave the reader thinking of would could have been.

    Anna :o]

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  19. I like it, as is, with the lines scratched out...

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Thanks for stopping by - I'd love to hear what you have to say!