Monday, September 6, 2010

Old Blue


After vacuuming today I felt compelled to write something about the evil machine. As many of you know, I really do hate it. I don't know why I dread a task that takes all of 15 minutes in our small home, but I really really do. It's worse than taking cough syrup! Well, maybe it's not THAT bad.

Anyway, after it locked into the upright position for the 10th time in as many minutes I thought – I am going to write an essay about how dumb it is for a vacuum cleaner to spontaneously lock upright while you're using it. But, just to prove that I have no control over what happens when I write, the following (Diatribe? Poem? Rant in the form of a poem?) is the result instead.


Old Blue

I have an upright vacuum cleaner.
No, I don't mean its morals.
We haven't discussed those.
In fact, we don't speak at all.

Although, to be frank
there is a lot of "talking"
while I push-me pull-ya
and take aim at walls.

Perhaps my technique
lacks some finesse.
Well, "technique" is too strong
for this spastic dance.

Ramming and shoving
and prodding with the contraption.
Flinging cords and furniture –
loose rugs stand no chance.

In the end I win.
Shut the power.
Shove the beast into
an out of the way place.

Or do I really win?
I hear its cruel laughter
as I scan the floor for debris,
one eye twitching in my face.

22 comments:

  1. LOL! Nicely understated, my love. Best to keep your real feelings toward "Old Blue" to yourself...

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  2. Love it! I'm not a huge fan either truthfully. But the Dyson we got does make it a wee bit less work. :c)

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  3. We finally got rid of our "old blue" last month. There was much rejoicing.

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  4. I'm not a vacuum fan, but I do have dreams of one day owning a Dyson.

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  5. Great pome - i hate vacumming more because of all the lifting of the machine that has to be done to get it in and out of rooms and up and down stairs

    Aaaargh!

    Another fun job is ironing - which i do sunday mornings and need some TV to distract me. I find the closer you get to finishing the more depressed you get about each and every item of clothing

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  6. sounds like you need a new vacuum cleaner.

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  7. Very well done :-) I don't mind vacuuming, but I don't like folding the whites. All other laundry? No problem, but the whites bore me, and I find that objectionable.

    I bring this up because I make my husband fold the whites, and he does so quite willingly :-) Don't you have one of those handy husband persons around? Historian? Teacher? Possible wielder of a vacuum?

    Rob has some tasks he hates, and I do them. But whenever I deem something detestable, my cure for that? I make one of the other two full-grown people in the house do it, and I don't mean I hint heavily. I mean, "Hey honey, I feel like all I've done for weeks is unload that bloody dishwasher. It's your turn for a few weeks."

    And that, is all she wrote ;-)

    p.s. Other than, I like your vacuum. He looks like he'd be a sparkling conversationalist. Have you asked him his favorite movie? Hmmmm?

    Perhaps Big Blue is simply enacting a work stoppage until such time as his feelings are taken into account. It could happen.

    Why are you looking at me like that?

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  8. Ha! I feel your pain...I too detest vacuuming, such a tiresome, yet necessary, activity. But in my case, I think it's a wider problem: a complete disdain for housework of all varieties. Oh well, these things must be done. I'm glad you've got it off your chest now :)

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  9. oh the vacuum is evil...just had to do it this morning...keep thinking you won...it makes you feel just a bit better...

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  10. DFTP - I'm SO glad our house it all one floor! I remember that annoying business of lugging the thing up & down stairs - and actually having to vacuum the stairs. I also hate ironing - I try to do it very rarely, just on principal.

    In fact, as Sam says, I'm not really into the whole housekeeping business.

    Alane - I would totally make Dr. M vacuum, but I only do a handful of tasks as it is so I don't think it's fair to have him take this one too. Maybe this winter when he's not having to mow. Surely he'll miss the action of moving a machine up & down in orderly rows?

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  11. Ha! I need a new vacuum. I wrote a post about it a few weeks ago. The hose is held together with duct tape. This post was very funny... for us. I'm not too sure about you, Bug.
    Bella

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  12. Oh my old faithful does a good job but I really have this chore too!

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  13. Just bought a new Oreck...love it. But I do hate vacuuming I also hate spelling it. Two c's two u's...who knows.

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  14. HA! I laughed through this vacuum cleaner rant. We have a very old canister type, and I think it might be worse than an upright, all that lugging it around behind. I dread getting it out too.

    But imagine the alternative.

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  15. This is perfect, and I think it should be sent to flylady! I am overly familiar not only with our vacuum but also our steam cleaner--such is life with three dogs, one of whom refuses to get consistent with where she does her business. I am standing and applauding, with an appreciative "bravo!" emanating from my lips.

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  16. i know i have written it before, but you really need a dyson. expensive, but so worth it. i heart my dyson.

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  17. LOL
    Haven't had carpet in quite a few years but remember my combative relationship with the vacuum-of-the-moment. We went through a lot since hubby refused to actually spend any money on one so he kept finding discarded (as in, by the side of the road waiting for garbage pick up) ones he could fix and use -- for a week or a month or a year...
    I FEEL YOUR PAIN!

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  18. Why did I dissolve into laughter when I read 'the evil machine'? Then I read comments and discover we are not alone! Truth is the mongrel of a thing ushered in an era of unrealistic expectations! Twitching eye indeed!

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  19. cool poem, and it will always be a mystery as why a short task seems epic when it is being considered

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  20. We have stairs, so we get the fun of lugging our elderly, half-blind, decrepit (can appliances get Alzheimers?) vacuum around. Don't tell him, but a replacement is being considered.

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  21. We have stairs, so we get the fun of lugging our elderly, half-blind, decrepit (can appliances get Alzheimers?) vacuum around. Don't tell him, but a replacement is being considered.

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  22. I love this. I think I will sit next to my own vacuum monster and read it to him... him yes, because another woman would never give me the trouble this monster gives me (chuckle).

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