Monday Miscellany

• I fell over trying to put my pants on this morning. Yes, that’s right, Queen Klutz is on the loose – and if I were you I’d just steer clear if you see her.

• On the other hand, I slept until 11:00 on Saturday! This used to be a regular occurrence back in the day, but once I became so decrepit my body wouldn’t let me stay in bed that long. Nice to know that my body will let me be so slothful. It’s like I’m a teenager again! Well, maybe not quite…

• Baseball is in full swing. I don’t know why, but I’ve felt very pessimistic about the Braves this year. And they’re first in their division! But it’s a weak first – the other National League division leaders have much better records. At least they’re not the Cubs :)

• Speaking of baseball, I was sad to hear about Tony Gwynn’s death.

• My friend Jenny made all of these bows for me back when I was leaving for Zambia. That was nearly 30 years ago – they’re antiques! I don’t know why I’ve kept them all these years. Sentiment? I had a drawer I wasn’t using? I’ve been tempted to wear worn some of them over the years, but now that I’m 50 I decided that I should probably pass them along to a little girl.

• Watch out world! I am this |  | close to writing a new poem. Maybe it’s more like this|          | close – but it’s gonna happen. Soon. 

How was your Monday?

50% Out of Touch

The other day I was doing a seek-a-word puzzle. The list of words was things that don’t get used very often anymore. And at that moment I realized that I have no chance of ever being cool again. (Um, not that I was ever cool, exactly, but I did get a computer before anyone else in my family. I think.)

Here’s the list. The things I still use are in red:

Bobby pin (yeah I use those sometimes)

Fax (We still fax at work)

Floppy disk

Ice tray (Dr. M & I don’t have no fancy schmancy refrigerator)

Landline (For now anyway)

Maps  (I LOVE maps! Which is good because I don’t have a GPS or a fancy schmancy phone)

Pager

Pay phone

PDA (I still listen to music on my PDA)

Phonebook (Admittedly, this is pretty rare & only at my dad’s house)

Tape deck (Every single day – it’s the method I use to listen to my MP3 audio books through my car speakers)

Typewriter

VCR (Well, we would if we had one that worked)

Wake-up call

Walkman

35 mm film

So, I’m over 50% out of touch with current technology. I’m cool with that.

Why I Ate Cookies Yesterday (or, I am an Amateur Psychologist)

So I’m on the 3rd floor at work getting some young gun to sign a document. It’s a quick sort of pause & flee maneuver – I don’t linger, although he has a bowl of fun size Snicker bars on his credenza. I think, “Wow, the perfect use for a credenza!”

As I head back down the hallway I ponder the total lack of sexual tension in the encounter. Not saying that I wanted any – even if I weren’t about 20 years older than this guy he is not my type. For one thing, he’s probably a republican! But back in the day, regardless of whether or not either one of us was interested, there would have been at least a smidge of tension there.

Probably my weight (and the fact that I walk with a limp these days) is off putting. But I realize that I just don’t care anymore & I know that I broadcast my disinterest in tones too loud to be ignored. When I was younger and cuter (come on, don’t be all nice – you know I was cuter back then!) I practically vibrated with the desire to be noticed. And I think that I probably was noticed somewhat. I enjoyed all that byplay & double entendre & your place or mine (I just added that last part to make it interesting).

But now? Don’t even go there buster! I’m happy with my marriage. I don’t want drama. And frankly, I just can’t muster the energy to pretend to flirt. I’m pretty sure I should be sad that I don’t care about sex appeal anymore. But meh.

All these fleeting thoughts get me as far as the elevator when I have an aha! moment: This is probably why I’m overweight! Isn’t life so much simpler if people don’t really look at you? What’s sad about that little bit of insight is that I never really did have to beat people off during those supposed halcyon days. But apparently I subconsciously believe that if I get too cute I’ll be propositioned all the time.

You know it’s not just the weight – it’s the attitude – the one with the disinterested broadcast. The weight is a symptom of the attitude.

And now I’m exiting the elevator on the ground floor considering this revelation. What do I think about it? It's a lot to process.

I go into the café next door to get some cookies to help me think better. That's called irony folks.

Back in the cute & complicated days...

The Old Lady in the Mirror

I’m sorry if you came here looking for the Random Dozen – I decided that I need to focus on one very important thing this week instead of giving you insight into 12 different boring intriguing facts. Yesterday at work I borrowed a ponytail holder because my hair was MAKING. ME. CRAZY. Seriously – I might have had some sort of hair related meltdown if my coworker hadn’t saved me.

Anyway. I pulled my hair back & went on my merry way. Then I went to the bathroom (I go, oh, about 8 times during an 8 hour workday). As I was washing my hands, singing the ABC song under my breath, I glanced at my hair in the mirror.

Hmm. Do I have flour in my hair? Get in a fight with a bobbin of white thread? What is that stuff in my hair?

Yes, the hair that doesn’t see the sun very often has been going seriously gray. Apparently my last color job didn’t touch this hair. I know that at 45 I should not be surprised by this. But, you know, except for the arthritis, gimpy shoulder, need for reading glasses, and cranky old lady attitude, I FEEL young. Wait – I’ve had the cranky old lady attitude my whole life, so that’s not new. I guess I should be happy now that I have the hair to match the attitude.

Dr. M predicts a L'Oreal saturation bombing soon. I wonder what color I’ll choose this time?