As I head back down the hallway I ponder the total lack of sexual tension in the encounter. Not saying that I wanted any – even if I weren’t about 20 years older than this guy he is not my type. For one thing, he’s probably a republican! But back in the day, regardless of whether or not either one of us was interested, there would have been at least a smidge of tension there.
Probably my weight (and the fact that I walk with a limp these days) is off putting. But I realize that I just don’t care anymore & I know that I broadcast my disinterest in tones too loud to be ignored. When I was younger and cuter (come on, don’t be all nice – you know I was cuter back then!) I practically vibrated with the desire to be noticed. And I think that I probably was noticed somewhat. I enjoyed all that byplay & double entendre & your place or mine (I just added that last part to make it interesting).
But now? Don’t even go there buster! I’m happy with my marriage. I don’t want drama. And frankly, I just can’t muster the energy to pretend to flirt. I’m pretty sure I should be sad that I don’t care about sex appeal anymore. But meh.
All these fleeting thoughts get me as far as the elevator when I have an aha! moment: This is probably why I’m overweight! Isn’t life so much simpler if people don’t really look at you? What’s sad about that little bit of insight is that I never really did have to beat people off during those supposed halcyon days. But apparently I subconsciously believe that if I get too cute I’ll be propositioned all the time.
You know it’s not just the weight – it’s the attitude – the one with the disinterested broadcast. The weight is a symptom of the attitude.
And now I’m exiting the elevator on the ground floor considering this revelation. What do I think about it? It's a lot to process.
I go into the café next door to get some cookies to help me think better. That's called irony folks.
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| Back in the cute & complicated days... |
I keep going back to that one quote in Women, Food, and God where she says, "I needed to prove to myself that what I wanted most was not forbidden, but what I didn't understand was that I didn't want the cookies; I wanted the way being allowed to have them made me feel: welcomed, deserving, adored."
ReplyDeleteFood has so many powerful roles in our lives, doesn't it? Truly, being able to see food as nothing more than "food" and eating when you are truly hungry, stopping when you are full... so simple and yet...
Loved the story, loved the insight, loved the deductions (and the irony).
ReplyDeleteWow!!! That is pretty psychologist-thinking! But I can relate. You'll see it all the time too like on Extreme Makeover: Weight Edition - the people put on weight to hide or cover up from something. Isnt that weird how we do that without thinking?
ReplyDeleteBut I do think it can be more about attitude & not necessarily looks... you should totally flirt with a waiter or something just for the fun of it - see what happens. There was an episode on "raising Hope" about that - it was hilarious! :)
But girl - I'm digging that skirt! There's the tie-dye right there!!!
PS - I still think you're beautiful :)
It's the cookies talking.
ReplyDeleteI find that cookies hold a lot of power and can be downright sinister in their plotting. Over-intellectulizing by the intended target of the cookie actually helps the cookie to get itself eaten, which, after all, is it's ultimate desire.
It's the power of the cookie that's making you reflect upon yourself in a less than flattering way. Don't read too much into it because that's how the cookie crumbles and takes you from one bite to the whole batch in its never ending quest for cookie dominion.
I think it's kind of freeing to reach that point.
ReplyDeleteweird isn't it? I like to think I never tried overly hard to be noticed, but kind of still wanted (and want) it deep down, I guess it's liberation to totally not care, and definitely a nice by product of being happy in your relationship - ie you go girl!!
ReplyDeleteGood for you, lovely photo of the younger days.
ReplyDeleteApparently, women disappear completely from mens radar once they hit 46 so I have a few months to go!!
Mind you, having a taller, teenage, new improved version of me (my daughter) walking around me has certainly brought that point home to me.
But I have to admit, I still like the odd bit of non-contact flirting, good for the soul!!
Whoa...that skirt! I would be considered vintage today!
ReplyDeleteI'd still do you...*wink*.
That's an awful lot of thinking when you're on the clock. I'd discourage that.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I get it. Classic defense mechanism, "happy pounds", all that. Men, bless them, don't ever go through any of that, do they? They just grab a couple of goodies off the credenza and say, "Time to buy bigger pants! Hey, that one chick on ESPN is hot." Sigh.
cookies always help me think better...ha...eh men do at times too...
ReplyDeleteVery interesting. And how did eating the cookies make you feel? (said in a therapeutic tone)
ReplyDeletei think we all want to feel attractive at some level, but equally we know that the cookie will only serve to make us more unhappy
ReplyDeleteMen do worry about this as well - the thinning hair, the expanding gut - we hope that somewhere in all of that we still "got it"
The story carried me along with it. Well done.
ReplyDeleteFun read Dana. I can relate to some of it. I try to accept my weight for what it is...but still wish some miracle would make me once again 120 lbs. My will power and diets sure fail. So cute you were...and still are.
ReplyDelete