Striking out into new territory

So Dr. M & I signed our lease for our rental house in the Middle of Ohio last night. We spent some time measuring things & taking pictures.

It’s a small place, made much larger by the big garage & what I consider to be a good-sized back yard (not too big, not too small). I have visions of sitting under an umbrella reading a book in the evenings. It will shortly get too hot to do that – but I’m going to dream about it anyway. I feel like my world is getting ready to expand – living in a house, caring for a lawn, having neighbors to talk to over the fence (we already met the ones on one side of the house – a nice retired couple who’ve lived there 50 years). A new town, a new job for Dr. M., a new commute for me. I wonder if I’ll take this opportunity to be a better person? At the very least I hope that I form new habits that are better for me. I can’t wait to find out!

God Considers Me

What - posting two days in a row? I got inspired again today - don't get used to it! I was reading MckMama's blog - the post where her husband is answering questions from all her faithful readers. And this one question & answer really stood out to me.

If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would it be?

I would like to be able to consider myself the way God considers me.

Wow. From my upbringing I know that God considers me a person of worth and a person who could use some behavior modification (she says while eating her Lucky Charms). I mostly think of myself as a big putz who could use some common sense. Worth? Not so much. I work really hard to find my worth externally (comments on my blog - woot!), but I don't feel it inside. I don't think, "poor me." I think, "it's just me." But you know, God probably looks at me & feels love, affection, and quite a bit of exasperation. Hmm - perhaps I'm confusing God with Dr. M (let's just nip that right there in the bud sweetie!).

Anyway, I like the idea of cutting myself some slack.

God considers me.

Cool!

Waiting, waiting...

So we’re waiting to hear if we’re approved to live in a little house in the middle of Ohio (smack dab in between my job & Dr. M’s new job – ooh I like saying “Dr. M’s new job.” I think I’ll say it again: “Dr. M’s new job.”). And we’re waiting to see when our car will be fixed & how many thousands of dollars it will cost us. They’ve had it for over two weeks now – I don’t think I’m exaggerating the thousands of dollars part. Yikes!

That’s about all that’s going on. Kind of nice, isn’t it?

Moving On

Dr. M & I think we’ve found the house we want to rent. We have an appointment to go inside tomorrow, but we’re pretty sure that seeing the inside won’t change our minds. It’s small (3 bedrooms, 1 bath), but has a 2 car detached garage. It’s in a nice neighborhood & is pretty centrally located between our two jobs. We’re excited!

But.

We have this melancholy just under the surface. Dr. M’s parents will most like never see the house. They might. But probably not.

And my Mom will never see the house. There have been a series of moments like this ever since she died. She’ll never see my niece cheer. She’ll never know that Dr. M finished his dissertation, graduated & got a tenure-track job. She won’t know that I changed jobs last year. She won’t know that we moved.

Or will she? There’s some debate about this. Are people really gone? Are they watching from heaven (if so, Daddy you are SO in trouble!)? I’m not sure I want my mother watching me from heaven – that’s a bit like reading my diary. But it’s comforting to think that she might be aware somehow of all of these life events. Even if she can’t rig the lottery for us.

V-8 Slap

Clear blue sky
Gentle breeze
Green grass
And green trees

Somehow it’s just not the same viewed through the vertical blinds of my office. Can anyone explain why I read my book at my desk during lunch instead of heading outside? (V-8 slap to the forehead).

Pretending All is Well

I had my appointment with my doctor to review my MRI. The good news is that I don’t have a rotator cuff tear. The bad news is that there is still enough damage to warrant surgery. Sigh. We’re going to wait until after Dr. M & I move this summer – no sense being any more useless than I already am!

Besides the pain in my right arm & shoulder, & the ever present (but much less severe) pain in my left arthritic hip, I have another pain that I inflicted on myself. The night we were packing to go to NC (two weeks ago today, in fact) I dropped a soft drink can on the kitchen floor. It started spewing everywhere. I ran to pick it up, slipped on the wet floor & landed BOOM on my tail bone. OUCH. I don’t know when I’ve experienced such pain. And it continues – that’s an area of my anatomy that I use quite a bit so I’ve noticed. It hurts to sit. It hurts to get back up again. It hurts to roll over in bed. For heaven’s sake – I am falling apart!

I’m tired of talking about my ailments – so this is it! Until I have surgery – you’ll hear ALL about that for sure. In excruciating detail. Until then I’m going to do my physical therapy, take my pain meds & pretend that all is well.

My Mother's Toes

I looked down in the shower this morning & thought I saw my mother’s toes. She had short stubby toes – mine are a cross between those & my dad’s tree climbers. But there they were, with a little polish that needed refreshed. Miss you Mom.

No, I’m not ironing what I’m wearing to church this morning. I don’t care if it needs it. Dr. M & I did our semi-annual ironing the other week for his big interview – you heard he got the job, right? No, I’m not trying to distract you – we totally saw you roll your eyes when we talked about not having to get the iron out for another 6 months.

I sure wish you were going to be here for this move! All that energy buzzing around - you always made me feel really tired. Yes, I know I should just get up & Move It! I like to think about things first. Oh, you think I'm just procrastinating. This sure sounds like a familiar fight - let's change the subject!

So, are you taking credit for Dr. M’s success? I know you think you created him – proud, are you? Yes, we’re still happy together after all these years – the 20th anniversary of our first kiss is coming up! No, I am NOT planning on having kids – I’m too old now. Face it – the bet is over. Course, you won it anyway, since you knew my heart…

Well, I’d better get off here now & get ready for church. Need to check the lottery number first – wouldn’t it be ironic if we won now that Dr. M has a job? Sure you can’t fix that for us? Bummer…

Love you Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

Home

I grew up in the gentle rolling hills of the North Carolina piedmont, where we were slightly concerned that the kudzu would take over the landscape (are you sure this road will still be here the next time we come by?). This land was all that I had ever known & it just WAS – I didn’t have to think about it being different from the mountains or from the beach. It was just home.

I went to college, and then later lived for five years in the western North Carolina mountains – cradled in the bosom of mother earth. A cliché, but it felt oh so true. I was safe, surrounded by my mountain home. And of course, it was very beautiful to me.

So why is it, when we explore our potential new home in Ohio, near where Dr. M will be teaching, that I feel this tug at my inner core? This is familiar country. This flat land with the big sky. The gentle dips and rises of land near the river. The farms and the long straight roads. Shouldn’t this feel alien to me? Perhaps one day I will wake up & wonder where in the world I am. But for now, I want to plant a tomato vine and call it home.

P.S. I've added a link about kudzu for the uninformed - but you can view it here as well.

Remains to be seen...

Last Wednesday we received a call that Dr. M’s 73 year old mother had been in a serious car accident & was air-lifted to a regional hospital in Charlotte, NC (near where she lives). We hurriedly made plans to go out of town for an undetermined period of time – Dr. M made arrangements for his last week of classes & for others to give his exams, while I ran back to the office to put things in order there. We spent the rest of the week & weekend in NC, returning yesterday late.

When we arrived in Charlotte my MIL was moving around, but not awake & not responsive to commands. We were really afraid of how much brain damage there might have been. On Sunday when we went to visit she was awake & recognized us - & claimed that the car accident was the other person’s fault! We thought that was a good sign. We still don’t know physically how well she’ll recover, but it seems as though her mind is there. We’re thrilled & terrified – she’s pretty willful – will we be able to convince her to follow doctor’s orders? Remains to be seen!

Ten hours, torrential rain, a speeding ticket, & an ill-timed decision to miss a pit stop later, we're home. Tomorrow I'll explain where we went in such a hurry & why - tonight I'm going to unpack, unwind, and snooze away...