Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Mawkish

I feel beat down and sad. Consumed by lethargy. Annoyed with myself, God, and any number of other people (the cast list changes on an hourly basis). Um, I mean the “other people” cast list changes. God & I pretty much stay the same.

I’m pretty sure that these feelings are 75% hormonal and 25% disappointment in my own self. I don’t want to go into what’s wrong because I want to wallow & if I tell you guys then you’ll just be all, “it’s ok” and “buck up” & stuff. On the other hand I HATE it when bloggers talk about their feelings but don’t tell what’s going on. Because I’m extremely nosy that way. So, I will whine for just a few minutes & hope that I get it out of my system. And you can be all supportive, but I think I’ll ignore you for a few more days & then come back & read the comments when I’m ready to start feeling better. Ha!

I’ve been singing this hymn every morning in the car for about a year now. I finally worked up the nerve to sing it as a solo at church this past Sunday. I thought it sounded decent during choir practice. But when my big moment came I could barely get a squeak out. Was I nervous? Not really. What happened is that I requested that I sing the solo during communion so people wouldn’t just be sitting in the pews staring at me. So I had communion first & then went to stand by the organ to sing. And the bread was kind of stuck in my throat. I really needed a big sip of water, but there wasn’t any, & I had already started to sing before I realized that I needed to clear my throat.

I was SO disappointed! My Baptist roots are telling me that’s what you get for being prideful. But I don’t think I’m all that prideful about my voice – it’s just really kind of pleasant & I thought the song suited the moment. So I’m having a bit of a theological war inside my head & truth to tell I’m mostly angry at God. What about “open my lips & my mouth shall proclaim your praise” didn’t God get? Hmm?

Obviously, if there’s a next time, I’ll sing during the offering instead of after communion. But I’ve got to get over being mad & humiliated first.

P.S. I always work the The Free Dictionary word match puzzle every morning. In the list of words today was lugubrious, which matched with mawkish. LOL! That’s it! I’m feeling rather mawkish. I’ll let you know when I get over it.

20 comments:

  1. Well, we all deserve to wallow now and then. It's OK to be disappointed, I mean, after all you did practice every day. Anyway, I admire you for even having the nerve to sing solo in front of a crowd. I won't even sing karaoke.

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  2. Multiple choice:
    1) Snap out of it!
    2) I feel your pain...
    3) If at first you don't succeed...
    4) God loves you whether the host is stuck in your throat or not
    5) What, you threw a pity party and didn't invite me?
    6) all of the above
    7) none of the above
    8) selected choices from above
    9) mind my own business.

    :)

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  3. Oh, hey. You know me--I am all about The Wallowing. Go for it, do it up right, and when you've had enough, cross it off your list and go on about your Business.

    Personally, I like getting a lot of it out of my system by hollering The Eff Word, whether it's at home or in my car. I'm a firm believer in Therapeutic And Recreational Swearing. Does wonders. Just sayin'.

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  4. Lugubrious is one of my all-time favorite words. But editors have edited it out of everything I've ever written. Of course after the editing I put it back!

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  5. "I’m pretty sure that these feelings are 75% hormonal and 25% disappointment in my own self."

    Hmmm. You give far too much credit to disappointment. Where hormones are concerned, all bets are off.

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  6. I suspect you noticed the problem far more than anyone else. But as Ellen said, it's certainly OK to be disappointed, especially when you felt you could have done better. You've learned from the experience, so it won't happen again!

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  7. Best way to get over it: sing another solo next week. And do it perfectly. Then lean back and enjoy the praise as everyone tells you how much you improved in only one week! Elementary, my dear Watson.

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  8. I'm a wallower from way back, and it's especially effective if the weather will cooperate with dark and foreboding skies and rain. Lots of rain. I don't think it's such a bad characteristic, really. We don't pester others while we're doing it... if they leave us alone. I mean, we do eventually get over it and move on down the road, but we need a little time. That's all.

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  9. Oh Dana...it's taken me all this lifetime to get over myself! I'm a singer and when young sort of didn't care what anyone thought and then I got older and ..that was a bad time . Now I seem to be back at the "It's just for me and god so ..pot the lot of them"...and they seem to enjoy me again!...does that make sense?
    As aunt Helen said...you're alright wee pet! ( very Irish that)

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  10. Perfect blow-by-blow account of something I recognise very well.
    I could feel it with you!

    And how that 'angry at yourself and therefore angry at everybody' lasts. I've got it tonight too - I kind of committed myself to putting on an event in Aberdeen, all-guns-I'm-so-competent-blazing, and can I find a venue with even acceptable levels of disabled access? Oh no. No, no, no.

    Do something very nice for yourself, and unconnected. I find the feeling doesn't go until it's distracted.

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  11. Oh, I would blame it more on hormones than self every time. Sorry your solo didn't turn out the way it would have. Of course, had you been a Catholic you could have slugged the communion wine and would have been fine.

    Make a note to Bug: Next solo make certain you put a cup of water discreetly behind the organ.

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  12. I love a good wallow, myself so I'm not going to tell you it's ok/buck up, etc.

    Well you've learned a really useful thing anyway - always keep a bottle of water nearby when singing or speaking. By a staggering piece of synchronicity, Johnny Cash, to whose album I'm listening right now, just asked - FOR A GLASS OF WATER!

    Is that a sign or what?

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  13. You guys are great - thanks for making me laugh :)

    I'm going to definitely be sure to have water available if there's a next time. For now, I'm going to be content to be a choir member only.

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  14. Coming from a singer I really think that you probably did a better job than you think. I also believe that singing is more about you than the audience. If it gives you joy...sing on no matter what!! I hope you choose to give it another go. I will give you a big pat on the back and tell you to buck up!!

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  15. any gig you walk away from is a good gig in my book.

    I remember me and Our Kid went busking once - me with a guitar and him with his keyboard. We got to the big city and realized that we only knew about two songs we could play together. Then this Jehovas Witness came along with his guitar and started trying to join in and convert us - so we went home without having made a penny.

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  16. As a singer to one....I get so much out of what I am doing. sometimes I am so caught up in the message God has given me that I forget He is letting me give them one too. Singing for me is Joy...pure and unadulterated. You probable sounded so much better than you think...Remember "His Eye is On the Sparrow"...and sing because you are happy....and sing because your free....His eye is one you little sparrow.....and He is watching you just like you and Dr. M watch the birds on your Project 365. God Bless you real good girlfriend.

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  17. Well...I say blogging should be all about letting it all go. Express yourself however you need to. Then belt out that next solo before you take the host. That is how it is done at my church anyway.

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  18. I'm all for a few days of being pissed at everyone. Well, really I'm not FOR it, but that's how I do things too!

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  19. Ellen – I’m not a karaoke person either. My dad on the other hand…

    Anne – You are a nut. Heh.

    Nance – I am SUCH a prude when it comes to language. Well, except for the S word – I’ll say that all day.

    Stephen – lugubrious is Eeyore’s middle name.

    Rudee – You are exactly right!

    Steve – Thanks!

    Bruce – Not on your life.

    CDSC – Wallowing is rather nice. And we even had a thunder storm yesterday!

    Gerry – It really would be better if I could just get over myself!

    Titus – As you know, I was able to distract myself. Now, how are those remodeling plans in Aberdeen going?

    NCMW – I will definitely be keeping water by my side if there’s a next time!

    Argent – That Johnny Cash thing is really spooky!

    Amy – I sure hope so!

    DFTP – I just now realized that I think I always type “DTFP” instead of “DFTP.” Wonder who that is?

    Karen – I LOVE that song! Maybe I’ll start singing it in the car now…

    Brenda – Yes, I think I’ll do the water and also never sing right after I take communion again.

    Bekah – It really is amazingly cathartic!

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  20. hahaha
    It's been crazy around here so I'm just now catching up with blog reading. It's been as fun reading the comments -- and your responses -- as reading the post.
    Isn't it funny how our upbringing continues to blindside us every now and again?
    And the hormones. Goodness gracious and mercy me!, the hormones. I think this midlife stuff is waaaaay worse than the teenage years. But then again, maybe I just can't remember that well because the gray hairs seem to be sucking all my brain power out through the roots.
    Whatever it is, I empathize. Especially since I'm soooo good at beating up on myself. Which, again, goes back to the way we were raised. *sigh*
    Bless our hearts.

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