I feel beat down and sad. Consumed by lethargy. Annoyed with myself, God, and any number of other people (the cast list changes on an hourly basis). Um, I mean the “other people” cast list changes. God & I pretty much stay the same.
I’m pretty sure that these feelings are 75% hormonal and 25% disappointment in my own self. I don’t want to go into what’s wrong because I want to wallow & if I tell you guys then you’ll just be all, “it’s ok” and “buck up” & stuff. On the other hand I HATE it when bloggers talk about their feelings but don’t tell what’s going on. Because I’m extremely nosy that way. So, I will whine for just a few minutes & hope that I get it out of my system. And you can be all supportive, but I think I’ll ignore you for a few more days & then come back & read the comments when I’m ready to start feeling better. Ha!
I’ve been singing this hymn every morning in the car for about a year now. I finally worked up the nerve to sing it as a solo at church this past Sunday. I thought it sounded decent during choir practice. But when my big moment came I could barely get a squeak out. Was I nervous? Not really. What happened is that I requested that I sing the solo during communion so people wouldn’t just be sitting in the pews staring at me. So I had communion first & then went to stand by the organ to sing. And the bread was kind of stuck in my throat. I really needed a big sip of water, but there wasn’t any, & I had already started to sing before I realized that I needed to clear my throat.
I was SO disappointed! My Baptist roots are telling me that’s what you get for being prideful. But I don’t think I’m all that prideful about my voice – it’s just really kind of pleasant & I thought the song suited the moment. So I’m having a bit of a theological war inside my head & truth to tell I’m mostly angry at God. What about “open my lips & my mouth shall proclaim your praise” didn’t God get? Hmm?
Obviously, if there’s a next time, I’ll sing during the offering instead of after communion. But I’ve got to get over being mad & humiliated first.
P.S. I always work the The Free Dictionary word match puzzle every morning. In the list of words today was lugubrious, which matched with mawkish. LOL! That’s it! I’m feeling rather mawkish. I’ll let you know when I get over it.