Forlorn

I need a governor. You know, the thing they put on school buses to keep them from going over 35 MPH. Which made it particularly terrifying when the high school girl driving the bus thought it would be fun to try to pass a car on a country road. All the kids were yelling, “Go! Go! Go!” I was covering my eyes. I didn’t turn into an adrenaline junkie until later in life.

But I digress.

I gained FOUR pounds in the last two weeks. If you do the math that means I am now one pound heavier than when I started this little jaunt. Sigh.

I could say, well there was all that pie! And corn pudding! But that doesn’t explain my behavior this past week. I’m not going to list my transgressions, but it wasn’t pretty.

I could say, well you know we thought that my mother in law was on the verge of death & then we found out that those predictions were premature (For those who missed my note in my last post, Dr. M’s aunts went to visit his mother on Tuesday and found her sitting in her chair drinking coffee. What? We’ll have to wait until we get down there to see what was really up.).

And I am an emotional eater – and lord knows there were a lot of emotions this week.

But, you know, I just wanted junk so I ate junk. With forethought. And not only that I didn’t move my body very much. My Gazelle is forlorn.

I’m forlorn.

But, I promised I wouldn’t lie. And now I promise I won’t quit. Next week’s report should be a little more cheerful.

I promise.

Random Dozen Meme

If it's Wednesday, it must be time for the Random Dozen Meme from "Lidna" at 2nd Cup of Coffee. If you want to participate just go to Linda's site to link up.

1. Which Wizard of Oz character are you most like? I really want to be like Dorothy because that girl could sing a blue streak, but I like adventures! I would not have been in such a hurry to go home. Which one wanted the brain? The scarecrow? That’s who I am!


2. When you're deciding what you're going to wear each morning, which item do you select first? Why? Pants – because I have black pants & brown pants & I have to know which ones are clean before I can tell what top to wear.

3. What kind of animal do you think the world could live without? Mosquitos! What purpose do they serve?

4. How many Christmas trees are in your home? None yet – but we’re hoping to figure out where to put one this year. The past few years we’ve just put lights on our indoor tree – the apartment was too small for a real tree.

5. Would you prefer to be emotionless if it mean you didn't have to feel a heartbreak? I’m partway there anyway – I am really good at compartmentalizing so that I can get through my day. Right now, in the back of my mind, is some anxiety about my mother-in-law, but I’m still able to answer the random dozen! That said, I like to have emotions, even repressed ones, so I wouldn’t want to lose them entirely.

[Note: after I wrote this Dr. M received a call from home - apparently his mother wasn't quite ready to go into the good night - today she was sitting up & drinking coffee! Not sure how a person goes from practically lifeless to drinking coffee, but we'll take it!]

6. Do you ever experience holiday let-down or depression? Yes, sometimes, but see the answer to #5 – I tend to just focus on spring (Easter is on its way!) & slog my way through. You know, speaking of Easter, it's appropriate to me to feel somber for the time leading up to it - how can I fully appreciate the glory of resurrection without the despair of death (I'm also speaking metaphorically about the rebirth of the the earth)?

7. Do you like Michael Jackson's music? Mostly I do, although it’s not a style that I listen to much anymore. But I totally had the Thriller album. Didn't everyone?

8. Why is it that we never judge people who have their teeth fixed for cosmetic reasons, but every other cosmetic procedure has a stigma? That is an excellent question! I guess we’re all hypocrites? Hmmm. I think that, in my case, I needed braces for good dental hygiene – even Glide floss wasn’t going to get between those babies. Also, I looked like a rabbit.

9. Enjoy horseback riding? My backside hurts just thinking about it. I’ve been on a horse twice in my life. Once on my cousin’s horse where he just led the horse around the yard, & then at 4-H camp in the 4th grade (this was the camp experience where I didn’t bathe for an entire week, but that’s another blog post). They put me on a horse that would follow the others & we TROTTED for an hour. Ow ow ow!

10. Shoes--practical or stylish? Practical. I used to go for really cute shoes – but never with very high heels because that was just begging for a twisted ankle. Now they have to have support because of my arthritis. Sigh.

11. What was the name of your first pet? Feel free to post a pic. The first one I remember is Alexander. I think he was at least part border collie. I wish I had a picture of him! My brother & I chose the name because we thought it sounded regal. At least that’s how I remember it, but I was probably 5 or 6 at the time, so who knows! The dog before Alexander was Blackie. I don't remember him, but there's a funny story about my Mom calling him right as a person of color was walking down the road by our house. Ouch! She was pretty mortified.

12. What percentage of your Christmas shopping is done? Hmm. I have 12 people to shop for (not counting the nephews – they’re getting cash!) & I’ve gotten gifts for 1. So that’s 8%. What day is it? Should I be concerned?

Bug's Eye View - What's it all mean???

I wrote this bit of fluff before we heard our news about Dr. M's mom. I decided to go ahead & post it anyway.

I’m joining a group of people from Ruth’s site in telling the meaning behind our blog names. I assume we’re still on? Hello? Anyone else out there?


Well, anyway, I don’t have anything else to talk about so I decided to tell my little story.

My Aunt V always calls me Danabug. Well, lots of my relatives do, but I think she started it. I originally didn’t want you guys to know my name (I was shy!), so I decided that my blog title would just have Bug in it. I wanted the blog to be about my point of view, so – Bug’s Eye View.

The End.

That was it folks – why are you looking down here? Now let’s go see where synch.ro.ni.zing came from!

P.S. Happy Birthday Josephine! Heh! Love you brother - and I'm proud of you too!

Poised to Fly Home...

We just got a call from Dr. M’s Aunt J. His mother has possibly had another stroke & is now unresponsive. She may not live more than a week or two. I am so glad that he got to spend quality time with her on Saturday. She recognized him and was happy to see him – it’s a good memory.

Dr. M thought

his family was more

dysfunctional than most.

He thought.

But she welcomed me

with open arms &

I knew that they were just fine.

Just shows you can’t judge

a family from the inside.

And that his mother had

excellent taste.

I’ll miss you Frances

almost as much as your

son will.

Miscellanea

I’m too full of pecan pie to write something meaningful, with an actual narrative, so I’m jotting down random thoughts about the holiday just past:

• I’m thankful for a lovely meal with my dad’s family. I don’t want to offend any of the womenfolk, but my Cousin Josh’s chocolate chip pecan pie was the absolute best thing about the meal. Well, that & my nephew (B2) climbing up into the tree to hang my dad’s star. The neighbors were probably wondering why 30 people were milling about daddy’s yard staring up into the sky.
• I’m thankful that I thought I smelled marshmallows toasting & happened to mention it, which sent daddy into the basement where he found that a pillow had been tossed up against the stove & was minutes away from conflagration. Yikes!
• I’m thankful that Dr. M spent some quality time with his folks & came up with some strategies to help in this difficult time. And I’m thankful that the nursing home where his mother lives seems to be the perfect place for her right now.
• I’m thankful that I had some catch-up time with my cousin Kim – we could probably talk for 8 hours straight & not run out of things to say. And they’re all important things! Really!
• We traveled back Saturday evening, getting home a little after 11:00. I had planned to enjoy looking at Christmas lights. But let me tell you, there are not very many homes along I-77, I-64 or I-35. Very dark country that is (except for the gleaming capital dome in Charleston, WV). So I spent a lot of time keeping deer watch. Thankfully, the ones that we saw decided not to have a close encounter with our windshield.

Lastly, an open letter to a rest area.

Dear Mile Marker 59 Rest Area:

You are beautiful to behold. Your landscaped grounds are soothing and lovely. Your automatic toilet paper, automatic flush, automatic water, automatic soap & automatic hand dryer are wonderfully hygienic. There’s just one problem. I might be am probably exaggerating, but I do believe that walking the length of a football field and up a number of steps to get to your facility is cruel & unusual punishment. I waited for two hours to get to you. Do you really think that I should have to earn Weight Watchers Activity Points just to make use of your services? Next time I believe I’ll hold out for your more humble cousin down the road.

Love, The Bug

Sundays in Zambia

This African Sky –

it mocks me.

I dream big

and glare.

It reaches inside

my head and I can

see forever how

very small I am.

I want…

and the sky

laughs.

10/29/87

Gone South

You know how

some folks leave

at the crack of dawn?

Um, no.

We piddle around

and play on the computer

and remember 9 last

minute absolute necessities.

By 10:00 we’ll be

barreling down I-35

headed to home.

It’ll always be home.

There’ll be hugs and

laughter and sadness,

playing with a new baby

and pie

It’s the place

and the people

who sent us forth.

We’ll carry them

back to Ohio

after our days

of giving thanks

to the God who sustains us.

This is my father's family (he's the bored kid in front in the white shirt and tie). My grandmother is the tall woman in white, standing in the back. To her right is my grandfather.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!

See you on Sunday!

Random Dozen Meme - The A Day Early Thanksgiving Edition

If it's Wednesday Tuesday of a holiday week, it must be time for the Random Dozen Meme from "Lidna" at 2nd Cup of Coffee. If you want to participate just go to Linda's site to link up.

1. Are you sticking to traditional Thanksgiving foods this year, or are you being culinarily adventurous? We’re going to my Dad’s for thanksgiving & I’m pretty sure it will be traditional. I’m not making a thing. Well, I might make my chocolate chip pumpkin muffins – but we sure won’t need them. My dad’s wife Amy always has enough food for an army - & she’s not the only one cooking. We’re getting the forklift ready to load me into the car when it’s time to come home.

2. Tell me something concrete that you're thankful for. (Something you can literally touch, see, etc., not a concept like "hope.") I’m thankful for Dr. M’s job & our new life in our new town. We’ve waited a lot of years to get to this point – I’m so glad we’re not disappointed in the results!

3. You knew the flip side was coming: Share about something intangible that you're thankful for. I’m thankful for the resilience of the human spirit. We always yearn and that alone can pull us up from the depths.

4. Share one vivid Thanksgiving memory. It doesn't have to be deep or meaningful, just something that remains etched in your memory. Until recent years, Dr. M &I spent many Thanksgivings with just each other. I remember the year we decided to have a traditional meal that we gave each other. Well, we didn’t cook a whole turkey, but we fixed the things we wanted. I enjoyed how the day felt special with just the two of us.

5. What is one thing that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt is going to happen this Thanksgiving because it always does, year after year? I will try valiantly to not overeat & I will fail miserably. Daddy – you do have plenty of Tums on hand don’t you? Also, my sister-in-law B will try to get me to go shopping with her the day after. I say “a pox on thee!” Not gonna happen. No way. No how. Maybe.

6. Do your pets get any left-overs? Yep – Daddy’s two outside dogs will have quite a feast!

7. Does your family pray before the big meal? If so, do you join hands while seated, stand, repeat a formal prayer or offer a spontaneous prayer? Who does the praying? Yes, we always pray. We’ll all stand around trying to decide & then make Vivian pray. Or maybe Ken. We’ll see.

8. Will you be watching football in the afternoon? If not, what will you be doing? We’ll probably be eating while the football is on. And we might have the TV on in the background. Go Raiders! Let’s win two in a row! Wow, that would make the season 4 & 7!

9. There are two distinct camps of people on this issue: How do you feel about oysters in the dressing/stuffing? I don’t like stuffing (after years of trying to figure out how I couldn’t like a dish made of bread I finally realized that I don’t like sage) and I don’t like oysters, so I’m going with no!

10. Do you consider yourself informed about the first Thanksgiving? Yes I do – just got a refresher from some blog recently… hmmm… who was it? Oh yeah – Brenda at Days of my Life!

11. Which variety of pie will you be enjoying? All of them! But especially pecan (the ooey gooey Karo Syrup kind!). And if there isn’t pecan pie I will cry.

12. Do you feel for the turkey?? (This is a humorous throw back question related to the 12th question in another Random Dozen!) Nope! I’m not a huge turkey eater anyway – I might go with the ham this year. Or, you know, I might eat both. Who am I kidding? It’ll be both. Boy, I already feel REALLY full!

Looking back on these answers I think I need to do an intervention with myself regarding the holiday. Here are some rules guidelines:

• I’m going to be there until Sunday. There is no need to eat EVERYTHING in one sitting. Pace myself.

• Focus on spending time with family instead of on the food (this will be HARD).

• We focus a lot on giving thanks to God, & that’s GOOD, but I want to remember to personally thank the people too.

A Quiet Room

A quiet room

tapping keys.

A million miles away

I hear that insistent call

to action

I could give coins

to Compassion

to ERD

to United Way

or to the red kettle

But where shall

I give

myself?

Sundays in Zambia

My original journeyman housemate, Rebecca, was a musician. She was part of a singing group, Love Ministry, and asked me if I wanted to participate. I love music & sang a lot at church so I thought it would be a lot of fun. It was fun, but I have no rhythm. As in they were swaying left & I was swaying right. I stood out like a sore thumb. And I couldn’t really sing at the level of these folks. So I only did it for a short while.

On this particular day I was invited along for their annual picnic. I can’t remember where we went, but there was obviously a body of water there. It was a day trip so it was close to Lusaka. We had a lot of fun. We ate food, I assume, although I don’t remember what & I don’t have any pictures us eating (which is VERY strange because I tend to remember food before I remember faces). We played a string game where we worked in pairs trying to extricate ourselves from each other. That was hilarious. We went on a boat ride. I got a really bad sunburn (you can see in one picture where they made me put my chitengi on my head to protect my face & arms). And (this is where you can tell this outing happened in Africa & not NC) I got infested with putzi flies. I tell that story here. We don’t really want to go into all that again right now, do we?

The Bug is All About the Number (and talking about herself in the 3rd person)

My crazy behavior has begun again (um, this is different crazy behavior sweetie). This morning in the shower I was debating whether or not to shave my legs. Would that small amount of hair make a difference? I decided that grooming is good whatever the result (right).

On the way to work I did not eat my breakfast, and only took small sips of water. I decided that not only did my jeans not feel looser – they feel tighter than they did last week (yes I wore the same jeans – to be consistent!).

I walked into A’s office with trepidation & started disrobing. Off went the boots, the earrings, the lanyard, the jacket. And with one eye shut I stepped on the scale. I may have fleetingly thought about lying to you guys if I didn’t like the number. Fleetingly. Really.

I’m three pounds down (if I were lying it would be more like 1 pound – no one who knows me would believe THREE).

I’ve been thinking about why the number means so much to me. Why I compulsively need to step on the scale at least once a day. Why I have my weigh in rituals & why I feel cheated when I’m unable to do any of the rituals.

I’m a Weight Watchers warrior, a veteran. And I know my body. In order to live a normal life while also trying to be healthy I typically lose less than a pound a week. Sure those ounces add up. And after 160 of them are gone I can actually tell in my clothes. But for me those 10 pounds might take three or more months. That’s a long time to keep doing what you’re doing without some tangible result. If I didn’t record those ounces on a weekly basis I would just give up on week two, convinced that nothing was happening.

I want to be healthy & eat good things for my body. But right now, with 60 pounds to lose & arthritis in my hip, my priority is to lose weight. It’s gonna be a long slow haul people – I hope you’re prepared to hear my weigh in ritual story every week. And I promise to not lie. If I gain, I’ll tell you. If I lose .2 (a regular happening in the past), I’ll tell you. If I lose three pounds again, I’ll faint first, then I’ll tell you!

Note: I won’t be in the office next week so I won’t be weighing in. Sure my Dad has a scale. But am I making myself crazy by weighing in the day after Thanksgiving? Not a chance!