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| photo by Andy Magee |
You were gone
a long time.
I waited while
the mist settled
around me
like cold comfort.
I sat until my
heart was stone.
Tired from your
journey, you
looked at me,
looked at me,
looked at me.
This is a Magpie Tale.
Note: I kind of liked the first two stanzas & then I started thinking what kind of wimp just sits there mooning over some guy? So now I'm all discontented about the whole thing. How would YOU end it?
I would eliminate the stanza beginning "and I felt". In the next stanza I would delete "welcome back" and substitute "go to Hell" followed by the last stanza.
ReplyDeleteA couple of facts: 1) I am not a poet; and 2) I am quite a cynic today. And I love your poetry.
Ha. I have no idea. My brain doesn't work that way.
ReplyDeleteleave it as the first stanza....so atmospheric...great!!!
ReplyDeleteI like it Caroline - excellent suggestion :)
ReplyDeletePoetry is such a personal statement that I just wouldn't feel right telling someone how to conclude one.
ReplyDeletei guess the same way that ABBA ended it - i was sick and tired of everything/when i saw you come back from Tesco
ReplyDeleteI think the line might actually be "called you last night from Glasgow", but i prefer the above
or Gloria Gaynor's way
ReplyDeleteSoooooooo now you're back, from outer space....
...or leave it with the strike throughs to show the speaker's ambivalence.
ReplyDeleteI like the poem with the lines drawn through the words. It gives the feeling of the speaker changing her mind when the person returns.
ReplyDeletedang....i like...the repetition before the scratch out lines is awesome...and the scratch out line....excellent....felt piece....
ReplyDeleteI am with Gerry....that first stanza holds strong all on its own! :-)
ReplyDeleteI'd end it with the first strike-through. A perfect poem.
ReplyDeleteTo end it sweetly...use the first strike through stanza....to end it with an edge....close the door and leave him standing there....alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm so ambivalent! Loved it, anyway. Actually, I rather liked it with the crossed-out showing too.
ReplyDeleteI think I agree with Ellen, mine doesn't work that way, either, but I think you were on to a good idea here.
ReplyDeleteNCMW cracks me up!
ReplyDeleteI am NO poet so will not contribute a new ending BUT...I love the idea of mooning over a guy! I like it A LOT.
ReplyDeleteWish I could help. I'm lousy at this.
ReplyDeleteI love as is.
ReplyDeleteThe scratched out stanza's add dimension and leave the reader thinking of would could have been.
Anna :o]
I like it, as is, with the lines scratched out...
ReplyDelete