Monday, December 17, 2012

You've Been Gone

photo by Andy Magee

You were gone
a long time.
I waited while
the mist settled
around me
like cold comfort.
I sat until my
heart was stone.

Tired from your
journey, you
looked at me,
looked at me,
looked at me.

and I felt the
summer sun
burn the mist

and I looked up
from my patched
and warmed-over life,
and said welcome back.

and I turned to
go inside the house
to dry off.

This is a Magpie Tale.

Note: I kind of liked the first two stanzas & then I started thinking what kind of wimp just sits there mooning over some guy? So now I'm all discontented about the whole thing. How would YOU end it?


  1. I would eliminate the stanza beginning "and I felt". In the next stanza I would delete "welcome back" and substitute "go to Hell" followed by the last stanza.

    A couple of facts: 1) I am not a poet; and 2) I am quite a cynic today. And I love your poetry.

  2. Ha. I have no idea. My brain doesn't work that way.

  3. leave it as the first atmospheric...great!!!

  4. I like it Caroline - excellent suggestion :)

  5. Poetry is such a personal statement that I just wouldn't feel right telling someone how to conclude one.

  6. i guess the same way that ABBA ended it - i was sick and tired of everything/when i saw you come back from Tesco

    I think the line might actually be "called you last night from Glasgow", but i prefer the above

  7. or Gloria Gaynor's way

    Soooooooo now you're back, from outer space....

  8. ...or leave it with the strike throughs to show the speaker's ambivalence.

  9. I like the poem with the lines drawn through the words. It gives the feeling of the speaker changing her mind when the person returns.

  10. dang....i like...the repetition before the scratch out lines is awesome...and the scratch out line....excellent....felt piece....

  11. I am with Gerry....that first stanza holds strong all on its own! :-)

  12. I'd end it with the first strike-through. A perfect poem.

  13. To end it sweetly...use the first strike through end it with an edge....close the door and leave him standing there....alone.

  14. I'm so ambivalent! Loved it, anyway. Actually, I rather liked it with the crossed-out showing too.

  15. I think I agree with Ellen, mine doesn't work that way, either, but I think you were on to a good idea here.

  16. I am NO poet so will not contribute a new ending BUT...I love the idea of mooning over a guy! I like it A LOT.

  17. Wish I could help. I'm lousy at this.

  18. I love as is.

    The scratched out stanza's add dimension and leave the reader thinking of would could have been.

    Anna :o]

  19. I like it, as is, with the lines scratched out...


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