Monday, November 8, 2010

Low Level Freak Out

If you’ve read my blog for very long you know that I don’t really like to keep my troubles to myself. My friends would tell you the same. As soon as I got the letter on Saturday saying that my mammogram on October 28th required a follow-up scan I started sending emails. And today after I called the doctor’s office to discover that they had seen two “nodules” that needed checking out I sent further emails. I fully expect that these nodules will end up being nothing, but my physical response doesn’t really reflect that. I am low level freaked out is what I am. At least my appetite has been suppressed.

Anyway, I don’t really do introspection very well – what I do is write. So of course I wrote a villanelle. Sort of. It has form problems. But apparently I’m imperfect right this minute too – so we match!

The double knots of fate -
adrenaline coursing quickly through.
My fingertips are numb.

My heartbeat doubles up its rate.
A fog descends – what can I do
with these double knots of fate?

A distant friend sends me these crumbs:
It could be nothing. Could be, true.
But my fingertips are numb.

My inner voices start to grate
logic takes a back seat to
these double knots of fate.

Breathing deep I try to plumb
my inner Zen – it’s flown the coop
and my fingertips are numb.

In and out my breath flows through.
I take the crumbs and will them true.
Meaningless double knots of fate.

And, still, my fingertips are numb.

My follow-up appointment is next week. Of course I’ll let you know the results!

24 comments:

  1. Top poets do nothing but slag off villanelles over here but I love them!

    Hope it's nothing serious.

    x

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  2. Will keep fingers and toes crossed for you here that it'll be nothing.

    Best of luck

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  3. hoping for the best possible outcome.

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  4. Keep breathing. Mammography is an inexact "science." Sending you much love.

    Glad you sent out emails!!

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  5. Yes it could be nothing at all that doesn't make it any easier to wait though. Either way at least it was cought early... that part is very good news.

    Sending lots of hugs your way!

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  6. Lots of good thoughts and prayers coming from the manor. xx

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  7. I had a very similar experience a couple of months ago. I'm sending good wishes your way.

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  8. Hope it goes well. Will be thinking about you!

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  9. You are not alone...I have had numerous "lumps" I have fibro cystic breast disease. I know the stress of the one odd lump. Good news is that it is probably nothing and the better news is that even if it is something you know about it and can do something.

    I will be waiting with baited breath and (lumpy breasts) and a prayer headed your way :)

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  10. Prayers for you Dana. And Hugs!

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  11. Wishing you the best. I'd say you are doing pretty well with just a low-level freak out! Keep us posted.

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  12. Holdin' hope for you here as well! ((hugs))

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  13. Thanks for all your well wishes!

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  14. Still.... it is scary as all hell to get news like that and so we'll just be here with you, holding your hand, and waiting for the follow-up news that it really is nothing. Gulp. Hugs!

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  15. Bug, it's going to be okay. I hope you have a great result, and many reasons to heave a sigh of relief, soon.

    Don't feel silly for being a little freaked, this important stuff. I wish you that sense of relief when you find out it was nothing :-)

    I'll be thinking that towards you. I liked your poem, and hope you will soon have reason to file it under unnecessary freak outs of the mild variety :-)

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  16. I wrote it down on my magic paper: Dana is getting good results and is fine.
    My magic paper works magic!

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  17. Praying for you!

    What is the Daily Puppy on your sidebar? Miley caught my eye, but I didn't see any adoption info on her...

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  18. Hi Lisa,

    The Daily Puppy is a website that displays pictures of puppies submitted by their owners. On occasion, they do display an adoptable puppy, but most of the pups are already in happy homes. We enjoy looking at the cute pics they post.

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  19. I'll keep positive thoughts for you with hopes that there is nothing serious found.

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  20. Hold on. Just hold on.

    I think the villanelle works incredibly well. With such potent life material, to have those numb fingers and double knots repeated has really sent the heart message home to me.

    I will await your results along with all those here who care about you.

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  21. All my best Bug.

    A smart guy once told me that 90% of what we worry over never happens and that 90% of the 10% that does happen turns out okay anyway. he said we spend our life worry over a 1% chance.

    that might not be totally true, but it helps keep my fretting a little in check.

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  22. I hope all is well with your follow up.

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  23. Sharing helps. I saw mention of this on FB and immediately added you to my prayers.

    Funny how these experiences birth great poetry, isn't it?

    All the best,

    Kat

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