Low Level Freak Out

If you’ve read my blog for very long you know that I don’t really like to keep my troubles to myself. My friends would tell you the same. As soon as I got the letter on Saturday saying that my mammogram on October 28th required a follow-up scan I started sending emails. And today after I called the doctor’s office to discover that they had seen two “nodules” that needed checking out I sent further emails. I fully expect that these nodules will end up being nothing, but my physical response doesn’t really reflect that. I am low level freaked out is what I am. At least my appetite has been suppressed.

Anyway, I don’t really do introspection very well – what I do is write. So of course I wrote a villanelle. Sort of. It has form problems. But apparently I’m imperfect right this minute too – so we match!

The double knots of fate -
adrenaline coursing quickly through.
My fingertips are numb.

My heartbeat doubles up its rate.
A fog descends – what can I do
with these double knots of fate?

A distant friend sends me these crumbs:
It could be nothing. Could be, true.
But my fingertips are numb.

My inner voices start to grate
logic takes a back seat to
these double knots of fate.

Breathing deep I try to plumb
my inner Zen – it’s flown the coop
and my fingertips are numb.

In and out my breath flows through.
I take the crumbs and will them true.
Meaningless double knots of fate.

And, still, my fingertips are numb.

My follow-up appointment is next week. Of course I’ll let you know the results!