Recently, a woman I respect told me to stop insulting
myself. It actually made me cry, a little, because she’s so very right, but I
don’t know how to stop. Self-deprecation is a way of life for me and mostly, it
works. But if it’s annoying to other people – well I don’t want to be annoying.
Here is how it started.
When I was young it felt like people had these vast expectations. I was going to grow
to be 6 feet tall & play basketball! I was going to be school
Valedictorian! I was going to be a concert pianist! I was going to be
beautiful. Now, notice that I said it felt
like people thought these things about me. I don’t really have any evidence to
support that, but it’s what clenched my gut. So in defense I started being “less
than” so that people would be pleasantly surprised when I had a success. And I
really liked their pleased surprise – much more than I liked their supposed
expectation. Playing myself down became an important strategy so that I could
please people in a way that felt comfortable to me. And playing myself down
helped me support my habit of not wanting to work too hard. I could just get by
on minimum effort and then “zing!” I’d do something special.
Now see how I slipped that self-deprecation in there so
slickly? “…my habit of not wanting to work too hard…” If I spoke truth I would
say that what really happened is that
I worked faster & better than other people, so I was done sooner, so I could
go read my book or whatever I really wanted to do. And that behavior has just
been reinforced in the work world – my boss desperately gives me tasks to keep
me busy & I still finish in plenty of time to feed my blog habit.
I’m getting sidetracked. That’s how it started, this habit
of putting myself down. But then I thought it was kind of funny. I don’t like
humor that puts down someone else – it makes me uncomfortable. But it seems
like there has to be a victim in humor, so I prefer it to be me.
The sad part, the part that made me cry when I read the “stop
insulting yourself” comment, is that for the most part I believe this stuff I say about myself. I am clumsy. I am a
dingbat. I am overweight and out of
shape. I am a shallow person who can’t
contribute anything of substance to the conversation so let’s just say this
funny thing instead.
I really am. And if I can’t find humor in that, then where
can I go? I don’t want to read my blog anymore if I can’t find humor. But I
also don’t want people to think I hate myself. I don’t! I think I’m flawed, but
I still care very much for that kid who was afraid she was going to be 6 feet
tall, and I care for the 5’4” adult that I am now.
Maybe I’m not as shallow as I think I am. I write pretty
damn fine poetry. There! I said it! Now let’s get to the believing part…
Well, it reminds me of that old saying that we are what we think? No one who reads this blog thinks ANY of those things about you my friend. You are such a kind and hilarious spirit who makes all those around you smile and feel happy. AND you ARE one damn fine writer and poet too! Own it girl! You ROCK!
ReplyDeleteAaw... stop putting yourself down Dana.
ReplyDeleteWho said that?! Not I. Oh, maybe it was.
Sorry 'bout that. Wasn't thinking, as usual. I'm always saying the wrong thing. I could kick myself. Unless you'd care to? You'd probably do it better than I could.
Dingbat? Had to look that one up. I learn something every time I read your blog m'dear buggsy so you are very good at that! And so much more.
I think we are twins separated at birth... and maybe a year or two... Irish twins?? ;-)
ReplyDeleteI do that too! I have ALWAYS felt like I have impossible standards to live up to, and I do the minimum to make sure that I wouldn't have people breathing down my neck when I didn't feel like being at the top of my game.
Maybe because I am kinda lazy... or maybe I'm kinda lazy because of that?
Way to self affirm...
ReplyDeleteThat's what I love about this venue of expression, it allows us all to have a platform for expression in what ever form it takes.
Way to self examine!
Blessings
R
And you know I'm going to keep hassling you about this!! Because I'm your friend/sister/blogfellow - whatever.
ReplyDeleteThank you for thinking about this, I'm glad you're contemplating breaking the habit. You know, it is JUST A HABIT. I broke my own habit of anxiety with mindfulness practice. As much as I could I would notice when I was worrying about anything - the world, my dog, myself, etc. - and make myself stop.
When I began breaking the habit, I allowed myself ten minutes to worry my ass off, imagine the Very Worst of Everything. But after that? I had to stop.
Eventually I was able to catch myself and just say STOP. Some days, I would have to stop myself 20 times an hour.
It's not that I never worry anymore, but I broke that habit and you can break your habit, too.
I think you're awesome and I'm not the only one. Onwards and upwareds!!
I never thought of you as putting yourself down when you joke around. I admire humility and humor and that was all I thought of when you say things that sound like you are putting yourself down. One quality I DON'T like in others is too much self assurance and braggyness. I like you just the way you are.....I sound like Mr. Rogers...
ReplyDeleteAre you sure you're not British? We excel in self-deprecation, value it very highly. Take Colin Firth's acceptance speech ('my career has just peaked'...). You're just in the wrong place maybe...
ReplyDeletex
Oh lord, Rachel--you HAD to mention Colin Firth, didn't you? :-D
ReplyDeleteDear Bug, I cannot help but think you are searching for YOU in all of this, seeking to own yourself, as you are. Friends are a great sounding board, and blogging gives you an extraordinary vehicle for sounding out and exploring such issues. But at the end of the day, only you can own you.
As you find your way, continue to grow, indeed to blossom on this blog and in real life, know that we are with you, cheering you on. We are here because you are here, and so long as you are here, lord willing, we're GOING to be here!
But you have to make the calls on who you are, especially regarding what is force of habit and what is your personality. It's the same as it was in Dick Hester's seminars those many years ago. As you "own" who you are, you also have to trust us to take care of ourselves.
You seem like a very talented woman to me. I don't much give a crap what other people think about me, but that is just me.
ReplyDeleteThere is no shortage of people willing to tear us down. Don't help them.
Life would be SO boring if everyone were perfect!! We all have our stregnths and weaknesses and I prefer to promote my strenghts and laugh like hell at my weaknesses...it is a win win.
ReplyDeleteI love to be with people who find humor in 'their view of' their imperfections. And for the record, I think you add lots of substance. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks for all the nice affirmations everyone - you guys are the best :)
ReplyDeleteI like someone who can see their own flaws and laugh about them. It makes them approachable, human.
ReplyDelete(If not taken to extreme, of course.)
Your self confessed self-depraction is not apparent to me through your blog. Perhaps I need to take a second look, or remove my rose colored glasses.
ReplyDeleteYou always make me smile, so whatever it is you're doing, you are charming while doing so.
It's a fine line between humility and humiliation.
ReplyDeleteYou just need more cheerleaders to root for you, then your increased self-confidence will counteract the self-deprication.
Go Bug Go! Rah Rah Rah! (LOL!)
P.S. I'll be posting a relative piece tomorrow that you should read. (Stay tuned!)
ReplyDeleteI've never actually met you, but more than once, as I've read one of your posts, I've been tempted to jump in the car and keep driving to find the Tax Time pig so I can ask the oracle of Ohio, "Where do I find the Bug's house? We have a date for coffee."
ReplyDeleteI know that God chose you especially to be His - so relax and be whoever you're comfortable being!
I don't think you are a dingbat and while it's not good to be fat I also think this country has an unhealthy obsession with thin. If you aren't thin then you are fat, it seems but thin is not healthy either. Nothing wrong with the middle ground. As for clumsy, well I've walked into an obstruction or two, tripped over my own feet. What was the other? a shallow person who can’t contribute anything of substance to the conversation well, I just totally disagree with that.
ReplyDeleteI once had a friend (who could really be an uptight ass at times ... a lot of times) who once said to me, "Why do you always tell stories on yourself? Why would you tell something that makes you look stupid?" Uhhhh, cuz it's FUNNY!
ReplyDeleteI read the other day that I shouldn't say anything to myself that I wouldn't say to a friend. That hit me really hard, it brought tears to my eyes. I really say some mean ... stuff to myself sometimes.
And you? Like Jayne said, you ROCK! Hell, girl, you have it over 90% of the people in this world just in heart ALONE, much less the rest of your talents.
And like SouthLakesMom, sometimes I just want to get in my car and drive to Ohio and take a left and look for The Bug and The Pig and their minion, Dr. M. :P
You're in good company, Bug. I think a lot of women engage in this, and I'm sure some guys, too. We're kind of socialized not to blow our own horn.
ReplyDeleteAnd... you do write pretty damn fine poetry!
i do this too - maybe because i have low confidence and find it easier to believe i will fail than that i could succeed
ReplyDeleteBut your poetry is great, your writing is great - these things are not a quick fix i'm afraid as behaviour is learnt and hard to change. Go talk to someone about it
Hmmm, so much has already been written that echoes what I think, but I want you to know that I, too, value you as you are, however that is at the moment. The truth you weave through your humor is part of what is so wonderfully disarming about you, and at the same time it betrays the coping that you learned. If you no longer need to cope in that way, and it's not for me (or any of us) to say if you do or don't, I suspect your humor would find a way to winnow free of the self-deprecation. I've been around being who are constantly putting themselves down, and it DOES get annoying because after a time it ceases to sound refreshingly vulnerable and begins to sound like fishing. I'm not saying this is true of you because I only know you through this medium. It's what occurs to me on reflection of my experience with others.
ReplyDeleteWell, I've rambled enough. I love you, no matter what!
I've met SHALLOW, and trust me, Dana Bug (sister at a distance), you AIN'T it!
ReplyDeleteLove yourself. We all do (love you, that is).
Kat
Now Bug, I have known you for quite some time. You may be many things, good and bad, but I think you should list "brave" among them. Putting it all out there like this takes some form of courage, and admitting your flaws takes courage, too. You don't see me going on and on about how bossy and know-it-all I am!
ReplyDelete